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Planet of the Commercials
Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by... (Suddenly, NC pops up, smiling widely and wearing his "I Donut Donuts" shirt) NC: ...COMMERCIALS! (He holds up a remote control and pushes a button. The sound of static is heard, and then, as per tradition, the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers are shown) Three Clay Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages... Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages... Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages... (The title "This Episode Brought to You by Commercials!" is shown) Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back! PetSter (TV static transition to: PetSter commercial) Commercial Announcer: This is a PetSter. NC (vo): Hey, parents, want to put all the hair your Roomba sucks up on top of it and say it's a pet? Enjoy. (In the commercial, a boy and a girl clap their hands, and the PetSter comes to them) Announcer: And this is the kid who got it to come. NC: Oh, it's that kind of toy. Okay. NC (vo): I guess when I heard he got a robotic pussy, I should've put this together. Announcer: His sister made it go right or left just by clapping her hands. NC: (wide-eyed amazement) Just like a real cat! (We then see NC's cat, Chaplin, sitting on a chair) NC: Hey, Chaplin! (NC claps his hands repeatedly, but Chaplin doesn't respond. NC then claps a second time, but Chaplin still ignores him. Then the word "FUN" pops up in yellow) NC: FUN! (In the commercial, another boy with a PetSter claps his hands and then tosses a ball) Boy: Go get it! (claps again as PetSter moves away) Announcer: Their neighbor likes to play games with PetSter. NC (vo): Your parents will love the constant clapping noise this even-less-expressive Tribble will conjure up. (NC sits there, frowning heavily, as he hears clapping offscreen) Boy (voiced by Doug): (clapping) Hey, Dad, look! Kitty! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY!! '''HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY!!! HEY, DAD, LOOK–' ''(Suddenly, NC's face turns demonic as he turns and roars at his "son", who screams. Then cut back to the commercial, showing a little girl stroking her own PetSter, which purrs) Announcer: And the little girl down the street just loves him, even though PetSter's batteries are not included. NC: (stumped) That was a weird segue to that fact. Announcer: ...even though PetSter's batteries are not included. NC: (as little girl, looking offscreen) You're the greatest kitty ever! PetSter (voiced by Doug): Even though my batteries aren't included? (Suddenly, the camera zooms in on NC's face, which is now enraged) NC: (booming voice, pointing offscreen) GET OUT OF MY MEMORY!! (Another girl is sitting on a porch swing as she watches her PetSter go around in circles) Announcer: Then there's the kid who let PetSter do its own thing, while she did nothing at all. NC: So if your kid's a lazy shit, look up... (The commercial is shown again, along with an image of the Ice Cream Kitty (from an episode of the 2012 version of ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) appearing in the corner)'' NC (vo): ...this melted Ice Cream Kitty to enable her. (The product is displayed, with two PetSters, one slightly bigger than the other, next to each other, with an attachable leash next to them) Announcer: The PetSter and PetSter Deluxe with leash are sold separately. NC: This goddamn thing needs a leash?? NC (vo): Yeah, put this robot with batteries and moving parts on a rope. Kids won't use it as a weapon of pummeling at all. (Cut to the boy and girl from earlier) Boy: Here, kitty. (PetSter comes up to him) NC (vo): Yeah, a weak toy for a weak commercial, definitely puts the "pester" in "PetSter". Announcer: ...are sold separately, by Axlon. (A shot of Chaplin appears in the corner) Chaplin (voiced by Doug): I'm PetSter. Lloyd (voiced by Brad): No, you're not! Flintstones Vitamins (TV static transition to: Flintstones Vitamins commercial) Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! ♫ NC (vo): Ah, a timeless classic. If you were around my age, you probably grew up with Flintstone Vitamins. Hell, maybe even younger, as they still seem to be around. One of the biggest draws to them was this cute little commercial with this catchy-as-hell jingle. Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong and growing... ♫ Commercial Announcer: Preferred by more moms than any other children's vitamin. NC: Most dads would agree, too, (becomes nervous) if he ever came back home. He just went out to get Flintstones Cigarettes, right? (Cut to a clip of a Winston Cigarettes sponsor plug for ''The Flintstones, showing Fred and Wilma Flintstone lighting up cigarettes and smoking them. Yep, The Flinstones was once sponsored by a cigarette company!)'' Fred: ♫ Winston tastes good, like a... (clicks cigarette lighter twice) ...cigarette should. ♫ (Cut back, quite jarringly, to the Flintstones Vitamins commercial) NC (vo): Actually, it is funny that these characters are being used to sell healthy products, considering the huge amount of un''healthy products they've sold in the past. ''(Cut to another clip of another Winston sponsor plug for ''The Flintstones, showing Fred and Barney Rubble taking a "Winston break" as they each take a Winston cigarette from the carton to smoke)'' Fred: Winston is the one filter cigarette that delivers flavor twenty times a pack. (Now cut to a commercial for Busch Beer, also featuring Fred) Fred: When you're due for a beer, Busch does it. (Now cut, again jarringly, to a more kid-friendly commercial, showing an ad for a Flintstones placemat from Denny's) Commercial Announcer: Now Denny's has a placemat collection featuring the Flintstones. NC: Hey, (points to screen) you know they're in the same ballpark! (Cut back to the Busch Beer commercial) Fred: Ooh, there's a lot of Busch gonna be sold! (Suddenly, a broad zoot hat with a feather in it appears on top of Fred's head, along with the phrase "PIMP LIFE" appearing at the bottom) NC (vo): Regardless, this is still a nice commercial with a nice song that's sure to stay in your head. Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong... ♫ Girl Singer: ♫ ...And groooowing. ♫ NC: And that's why we're interviewing the composer of that commercial today! (suddenly becomes confused) Wait, what? Voice: That's right! (NC looks to his left (the viewer's right) to see who said that: it's the Chart Guys (played by Rob and Malcolm), who rise up beside him) Chart Guy 1: The chart says people want more intellectual conversation. Chart Guy 2: So you're going to interview the man who scored the music for this commercial. NC: But I don't want to interview some dumb, lousy– Chart Guy 1: Before you continue, I should point out (points behind NC) he's right behind you. NC: (awkward pause) Well, that bit died. (He then looks behind him. Sure enough, he spots the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins commercial jingle, Michael Salvatori) NC: Hi there. Salvatori: Hi there, I'm Michael. (The Chart Guys sink back down) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. Salvatori: (pointing to him) You remember it so I don't have to. NC: (feeling embarrassed) Yes, I... (low voice) never realized how lame that sounded until you said it. (cheerfully) So tell me about writing the Flintstones Vitamin jingle. Salvatori: Well, it all started when we were approached to compose the Flintstones Vitamins commercial. NC: No kidding. Salvatori: Well, it wasn't just me, it was me and Marty O'Donnell, and we actually co-wrote it. Honestly, the majority of it was his idea, but we still collaborated together. (NC looks away, bored, with his head resting on his hand) Anyway, I asked what the project was. He said it was the Flintstones Vitamins commercial. I told him at the time that I didn't take Flintstones Vitamins. He assured me it was mostly for children. That made me feel a little better. With that in mind, (NC starts nodding off to sleep) I decided to make the focus mainly on kids, (NC startles awake again, wide-eyed) with kids singing the song. In fact, the little girl who sings, "And growing," at the end, do you know who she was? (NC stares) That was my daughter! Yeah, my daughter. I remember she was so nervous about singing the line, but we assured her there was nothing to be nervous about. So guess what? After what I told her about there was nothing to be nervous about, she found absolutely nothing to be nervous about. NC: (abruptly) That's fascinating! But you know what's even more fascinating? Salvatori: What? (NC takes Salvatori over to his shelves full of Blu-Rays) NC: If you told that story to our Blu-Ray shelf! You see, he's a character on the show and the biggest, biggest Flintstones Vitamin fan. Salvatori: Really? It just looks like an ordinary Blu-Ray shelf to me. NC: It's not. It's like the most popular character on the show, even though all it does is stand there and be quiet. Salvatori: And people watch that? NC: It's the Internet; ironic non-humor. There's probably a four-hour video of it just standing there or something. (quickly) Get talking! (leaves) Salvatori: (staring at Blu-Ray shelf in confusion) Okay. Well, anyway, so we were thinking of putting the Flintstones characters into the commercial, but then we thought about it and thought about it and thought about it...and decided "No." (NC, meanwhile, returns to his spot on the couch, sighing with relief) NC: Next commercial. My Buddy & Kid Sister (TV static transition to: My Buddy & Kid Sister commercial) Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy, My Buddy, My Buddy, My Buddy! ♫ NC (vo): Hey, kids, don't have any real friends but the internet isn't a thing yet? My Buddy! ... NC: Man. All I want to do is sit around and look at the ceiling. What do you think College My Buddy? NC: Yeah, you get it man! you get it. NC (vo; as announcer): 'College My Buddy comes with actual buds. ... '''Announcer: '''My Buddy and Kid Sister. Each sold separately. ''(We zoom in on My Buddy) '''Chucky: ''(audio) GIVE ME THE POWER I BEG OF YOU!! '''Announcer: '''From Playskool. Cadbury ''(TV static transition to: Cadbury commercial. It shows the Cadbury Bunny clucking like a chicken) Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK! (The rabbit then moves aside, revealing a nest full of Cadbury Creme Eggs) Announcer: You're looking at a very unusual kind of egg. NC (vo): It ain't Easter yet, but chances are you remember this one. The Cadbury Bunny is a trademark every holiday season for the Cadbury Creme Eggs, with his adorable look, constant clucking, and ability to shit candy that tastes like chocolate and, let's be honest, a little like actual shit. NC: Yeah, I know a lot of people liked this product, but I never understood it, especially after watching the commercials! NC (vo): Because, let's face it, the candy never looked as good as it did here. I mean, look at that! It's like if a chocolate could have an orgasm; it looks like the tastiest thing you could imagine! The actual product? (With a look of disgust, NC opens his own Cadbury Creme Egg, revealing that it looks solid yellow, rather than the white/yellow appearance of a real egg in the commercial) NC: Well, I'll give it this: (The camera cuts to a closeup of this product he holds) it does look like an abandoned pregnancy. NC (vo): Even if you tried to do it delicately, to get that slow, gooey look... (Looking quite sick, NC tries to do it as they do in the commercial. Again, it doesn't quite look like the commercial) NC: It looks like Plastic Man's semen; it's like the most unappealing thing ever! NC (vo): Even the Bunny's final cluck sounds like a warning not to buy them! Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK! NC: '''Like, "You'll be sorry!" '''NC (vo): There was actually a controversy long ago because they made the size smaller over the years. Good! The less of this Oompa-Loompa turd you can put in your body, the better! Announcer: Why, they're the best thing to come along since the Easter Bunny, and when he's gone, they're gone. (The words "THANK GOD!" appear over the screen) NC (vo): What's interesting is these are the American commercials for the Cadbury Bunny, but Cadbury is a British company. I'm kinda wondering what the bunny looks like in the UK. (As if on cue, we then cut to a commercial for Cadbury in the UK. It is quite different, in animated cartoon form. It shows a mole wearing glasses running through a forest, but tripping on a rock. As he falls to the ground and slides forward, he loses his glasses and slides up to a female brown rabbit wearing a ribbon around her neck and holding the mole's glasses in one hand and some Cadbury chocolate in the other) Cadbury Bunny: (sultry female voice) Take it easy, Mr. Mole. (puts Mr. Mole's glasses back on his face) NC: (stunned) Wwwwhooooa... (The female Cadbury Bunny is seen saying the company's tagline, "Take it even easier...") NC (vo): Britain's bunny is a little...um, boobier... (A montage of clips of commercials is shown, showing the Cadbury Bunny showing the product to various forest animals, all of whom swoon over her. In one, she shows the product to a beaver) Cadbury Bunny: Haven't you heard of Cadbury's Caramel? Beaver: (shaking his head no) Mm-mm. Cadbury Bunny: (unwrapping some) See as the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate (breaks the product in half, revealing caramel inside) melts with that dreamy caramel... (In another, she shows the product to a pair of weasels dressed like news reporters, who also become smitten over her) Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel. NC: (softly as he nervously shakes his head) Their Cadbury Bunny makes me think wrong things. Things I shouldn't do to bunnies. (In yet another commercial, a hare, who was racing a tortoise, gets distracted by the Cadbury Bunny and starts swooning over her) Cadbury Bunny: See how the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate melts into smooth, golden caramel. (She holds it out to the hare, who blinks his eyes and his tongue drops out, panting) NC (vo): For years, all Americans had was (An image of Lola Bunny from ''Space Jam appears in the corner) Space Jam'' to quench the growing bunny sex thirst. There was this treasure trove for a select audience the whole time?! Cadbury Bunny: (to a beaver who had almost finished gnawing on a tree) Hey, Mr. Beaver, why are you beavering around? (The beaver stares, wide-eyed, at the Cadbury Bunny, with his flat tail erect) NC: (shaking head) That was not a mistake. None of this is by accident. (In yet another commercial, a nicely-dressed white rabbit, wearing a derby, a vest and a bowtie, and holding a case in his hand, runs up to a sign pointing the ways to "This way" and "That way", and looks around quite nervously. Yeah, this is the White Rabbit, as in from "Alice In Wonderland") White Rabbit: I'm late for a very important date! Cadbury Bunny: Hey, Mr. Rabbit. Why are you so twitchy? (This whole time, the White Rabbit becomes twitchy, but this time with excitement, as he becomes smitten over her. He eagerly adjusts his bowtie for her and blushes) NC (vo; as White Rabbit): Oh-ho, you make me wanna grow genitalia to explore! (In another commercial, the Cadbury Bunny is addressing a bee reclining on a flower) Cadbury Bunny: You just have to take everything really easy. (Suddenly, the ground shakes under the Bunny and the flower the bee is on. The Bunny yelps in surprise as a mole wearing glasses pops up from out of the ground, right under her. It looks around as the Bunny, who had been sitting on it, gets down off of it) NC: That mole is (points to screen) going to... (The camera zooms in on the mole) NC (vo): ...replay that one second in his mind every day... NC: ...until he dies! (In yet another commercial, the Cadbury Bunny is giving a Cadbury Caramel bar to a group of army ants, literally wearing army attire) Cadbury Bunny: At ease. Here. (The ants take the bar as she takes out another for herself) See how the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate... NC (vo): This is so sexualized, yet she's talking so soothingly, she must have a sex hotline as a side job! (NC is talking on his cell phone with a look of apprehension on his face) Cadbury Bunny (voiced by Tamara): (on phone) Mmm! What are you thinking about? NC: Humans. I am thinking about humans. Cadbury Bunny: Why don't you take it easy and think about Cadbury chocolates. NC: (blinking eyes nervously) Okay... Cadbury Bunny: You like chocolate, don't you? NC: If you say so, yes. Cadbury Bunny: Just imagine the sexiest lady in the world covered in chocolate, (NC closes his eyes) melting all over her body. NC: Okay... Cadbury Bunny: Isn't she sexy? NC: (smiling) Yes...? Cadbury Bunny: ...She's a bunny. NC: (frustrated) OH, COME ON! Cadbury Bunny: Sorry, she was a bunny. You like rabbits now. It's the law. NC: (sighs disgustedly and shakes his head around) Why did they ever pass that law?! (Footage of both versions of the Cadbury Bunny are shown) NC (vo): Whether it's a cute bunny who likes to cluck, or a cute bunny who likes to... "Happy Snowman!" (A picture of Olaf from ''Frozen is shown)'' ...these are interesting commercials, to say the least. Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel. Beavis: (audio from ''Beavis and Butt-Head)'' Bo-yo-yo-yo-yoing! (Butt-Head is heard chuckling) Pioneer Chicken (TV static transition to: Pioneer Chicken commercial) Announcer: Hey, O.J., you sure enjoy that golden Pioneer Chicken. NC: This aged great. O.J.: Oh yeah, I love it. ... Singers: Pioneer! O.J.: Mama never told me about you. (A clip from ''Saturday Night Live is shown at the bottom of the screen with Bill Murray as a news anchor)'' Bill Murray: Oh, great. Is if O.J. isn't busy enough tracking down the real killers... NC: Wouldn't you agree, Michael? (Suddenly, he yelps as he sees Michael Salvatori again, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily) NC: Where'd you come from? Salvatori: Well, your Blu-Ray shelf enjoyed my story so much, that he said I should come over and share 'em with you. (NC quickly notices as his Blu-Ray shelf suddenly has eyes and a mouth) Shelf: He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen. Salvatori: Thanks, Shelf. Ten million strong... Shelf: 'And groooowing. '''Salvatori: '''So at first, we thought about writing a song that included the Flinstones names ''(cut back to NC extremely bored at this point) but then we discovered interestingly enough that there was no Betty vitamin. That was because Betty (cut back to NC with hands on his face, very, VERY bored) ''was shaped too much like Wilma so they substituted her for a car. Isn’t that funny? '''NC: '''You know, this reminds me of another portion of the show! This is our... ''(Cut to a hole in the floor) '''NC (vo): ...interviewing hole. Salvatori (vo): Interviewing hole? (Cut back to NC and Michael Salvatori) NC: Yeah, it was here when we moved in, I don't know where it leads, and one of the things we love to do is have people give interviews to it! Salvatori: Well, like you said, the Internet. NC: The Internet, that's right, hop to it buddy! ... NC: (sighs) This feels wrong. (NC pushes Salvatori into the hole and he screams) NC: Now it feels wronger. NC: Next commercial! Popsicle (TV static transition to: Popsicle commercial) NC (vo): Quiznos' Spongemonkeys too normal for you? Maybe you should try the Good Humor Popsicle commercials. These ran from the late '90s to the early 2000's. To enjoy them is simple. NC: 'Press "play" on your controller. Do any assortment of these drugs. '''NC (vo): '''And enjoy your new reality. ''(The commercial shows a boy's hair suddenly grow up to the ceiling and turn rainbow colored as he laughs. It then cuts to a boy pecking at a giant popsicle stick like a woodpecker) 'Duke: '''Heh heh! Birdbrain! '''NC (vo): '''It's like these were designed to be the tripiest ads ever usually having one kid lick the product, some freaky shit happens and then the dog always like "your so freaking high!" ''(A commercial shows a boy and his dog laughing as his father is stuck outside the house) '''NC: What the shit? (Another commercial shows a boy licking a spaceship popsicle and his house blasts off into space and floating in zero G) Boy: '''My sock. '''NC: What the shit? (Another commercial shows a boy covered in popsicle sprinkles about to throw a frisbee to Duke, who his also covered in sprinkles) Boy: Fetch, Duke! (The frisbee bounces off Duke) Duke: Nice throw, doofus. NC: I can't... anything. (Another commercial shows a kid licking a lick-a color popsicle and freaking out when the colors change) Kid: The colors, Duke! The colors! Duke: I'm colorblind, kid. NC: Now in three flavors, LSD, Tripping Balls, AND WATCH THE SCENE FROM PULP FICTION TO BRING HER BACK! SHANNON! SHANNON, CAN YOU HEAR ME?! NC (vo): 'And what brilliant catchphrase do they have to end every one of these on? '''Popsicle Logo: '''POPSICLE! HO-HO! ''(NC appears confused as the text “A Paycheck was Given for That” appears) '''NC (vo): '''Yeah, every single one of them ends that way. '''Popsicle Logo: '''POPSICLE! HO-HO! POPSICLE! HO-HO! POPSICLE! HO-HO! '''NC (vo): It's like ending your commericial with... (NC thinks and slaps the air) NC (vo): How the hell did that meeting go? NC: ''(as a spokesperson)'' We need a catchphrase for these popsicles! NC: ''(as another spokesperson)'' Well, how about "Popsicles! Ho-Ho!" NC: Will you marry me? NC: (in a low satanic voice) Everything is coming together! (Back to commercials) NC (vo): I can't act like they're not imaginative or memorable, they're just... freaking bizzare. NC: 'What can one say but "Popsicles! Ho-ho!"? '''Popsicle Logo: '''POPSICLE! HO-HO! '''Announcer: '''From Good Humor. Panda Cheese ''(TV static transition to: Panda Cheese commercial) '''NC (vo): So... I don't usually do commercials from Egypt, but trust me when I say this one deserves the attention. It's for a product called Panda Cheese. Sounds harmless enough, but their ads are uniquely intimidating. It usually starts with two or more people, one of them asking if the other can get some Panda Cheese. When the person declines, this happens. (The commercial abruptly smash cuts to a person in a panda suit eerily grinning, as the song ''True Love Ways by Buddy Holly plays. It occasionally cuts back and forth between the commercial and NC looking dumbfounded.)'' (Suddenly, the music stops as the panda sweeps everything off the office worker's desk, tosses his monitor, and smashes his keyboard. The music then starts up again as the tagline shows up.) NC (vo): '''This is how every one of them goes. '''NC: And it's kinda scary as hell! NC (vo): The way he appears out of nowhere, the way he stares at you, that eerily creepy song, everything about this is a world of no. Most of the time it's him destroying something, but here it's attempted murder! (The panda pulls the plastic hose from the patient's recovery stand) NC: '''Jesus Christ, bear! ... '''NC (vo): This is so creepy, I could legitmally see him in horror films. (Cut to a clip from ''The Shining)'' NC (vo): Like imagine him in the hallway in The Shining instead of the girls. ... (Cut to a clip from ''The Ring)'' NC (vo): Or maybe he was really on The Ring tape the whole time. Chargertron (TV static transition to: Chargertron commercial) Male Singer: '''♫ Switch on Chargertron ♫ '''NC: Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest song you will ever hear for a toy commercial! Male Singer: '♫ Switch on Chargertron, robots like you've ever seen, switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines. ♫ ... '''Male Singer: '♫ Rev the meter till it's red, launch out the tracker, switch on Chargertron, now it's an attacker! Switch on Chargertron, always changing, rearranging, he's surprising, he's diguising, Chargertron. ♫ '''NC: You must charge it! Charge it good! ... Singer (Doug): '''♫ Clean out the vacuum now, set the table with nice plates, answer the door right now, smile all nice for your date. Make sure he does not find out, you have been stalking, stop the bastard at your point, make sure he's not talking. Bury the body now, nothing's creepy, nothing's jarring, quite alarming, this is scaring, Chargertron. ♫ '''NC (vo; as announcer): This was an ad for Chargertron, sorry for the confusion. NC (vo): A cheap toy, an okay ad, but one hell of a cool ass song! Announcer: Each sold separately, from BuddyL. NC: I feel like you would know being a songwriter... (Suddenly, he yelps as he yet again sees Michael Salvatori, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily) NC: How, how?! Salvatori: Amazing how that hole led to a kingdom of mole people who were nice enough to bring me back. (NC quickly notices a mole standing nearby and talking to NC) Mole (voiced by Doug): He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen. Salvatori: Thanks, Mole. Ten million strong... Mole: '''And groooowing. '''Salvatori: So, anyway, when we wrote the Flintstones Vitamins commercial, the producers were concerned it would tie into the show Flintstones Kids... (NC screams and puts Salvatori in a cardboard box and runs all the way to the desert and drops the box off a cliff, then he runs back to his house and Salvatori appears in front of him) Salvatori: Amazing how the postman saw me in the desert and knew to drop me off here. ... NC: (laughs manically) Now I never have to deal with that mangy composer again! (NC laughs and runs back to his house and looks beside him to see if Michael Salvatori is still beside him and he shows up for a brief second and NC yelps, but Michael Salvatori disappears) NC: Huh, weird, next commercial. (We cut to a TV static transition to a commercial break or nothing) Domino's Pizza (with The Noid) (TV static transition to: Domino's Pizza commercial) Commercial Announcer: This is the Noid. NC (vo): Sometimes younger people ask me why certain things caught on. Once in a while I have to say "I have no goddamn clue." The Noid commercials for Domino's Pizza is one of those times. Animated by the late, great animator, Will Vinton, it always was impressive on a technical level... NC: '''...but... I just didn't get it. '''NC (vo): '''What was the Noid? Why did he want to ruin pizzas? Why is he dressed like he's ready to lure children into his van? '''NC: '''And obviously the biggest question out of the all the pizzas to ruin, why... '''NC (vo): ...Domino's?! Isn't that already pretty ruined pizza? Commercial Announcer: A Noid hates hot quality pizza. He loves to make your hot pizza ice cold. NC (as the announcer): So he doesn't need to stop by... NC (vo; as announcer): ...this place often, I mean, if your pizza's glowing there's clearly something wrong with it, or... again, i-it's just Domino's. Commercial Announcer: The Noid's a wicked wizard, who makes pizzas old and cold. NC (vo): '''Nevertheless, his popularity exploded, with T-shirts, action figures, there was even a Nintendo game on him! What was the plot? Cause the fatality of Little Caesar? '''NC: Why the hell are we celebrating a pizza terrorist? NC (vo): 'Was the idea that because he was trying to destroy ''Domino's, he was a hero in the pizza world? Maybe he was hired by the True Neopolitan Pizza Association. '''Commercial Announcer: The Noid just can't beat the best. Domino's Pizza. NC (vo; as announcer): Domino's, named after hard objects you're not supposed to eat, but accidently did at some point, hopefully when you were younger. NC (vo): (sighs) I don't know why this was a thing, but it was animated nice and I guess harmlessly silly, uh, again, if you keep your kids far, far away. (Pictures of The Noid and the ''Domino's Logo with the text "Which One?" appears)'' NC: Either. Commercial Announcer: Avoid the Noid. Domino's Pizza Delivers. Call now. (A clip from the episode "Deep Throats" from ''Family Guy plays on the top left of the screen)'' Mayor West: 'Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me. Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber ''(TV static transition to: Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber commercial. It is an old commercial, too (circa 1977, the year ''Star Wars came out), with faded colors and a lower-quality sound to it)'' '''Commercial announcer: It's the new Star Wars Lightsaber. (In the commercial, kids are swinging their lightsabers at one another, but they are pretty floppy for lightsabers) NC (vo): You can pretend you have powers when... NC: (wide-eyed) Okay, those are condoms. (The room lights up as some boys are swinging their lightsabers) Boy: Ready to feel the Force? (tosses a balloon in the air and hits with his lightsaber) Close your eyes and go! NC: None of those words should be said in this situation. (shakes head) ... Commercial announcer: Star Wars Lightsaber. Balloons not included. (A picture of Darth Vader appears on the top left of the screen) Darth Vader (voiced by NC): The Force is limp with this one. Cliffhanger Video Game (TV static transition to: Cliffhanger Video Game commercial) Man: Talk to your aunts. NC (vo): 'This is an ad for a game version of ''Cliffhanger, the old Sylvester Stallone movie. '''NC: NC: It then ends with him swinging on a chandalier and shouting out one of my favorite out of context lines! Boy: Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs! (He tosses the roll into his aunt's screaming mouth) NC: There is no argument for not loving this. It's super short but it goes batshit so fast, it's hard not to get a laugh. NC: I think I want to see Stallone say this line, not just in Cliffhanger, but any movie where he finishes a guy off! ... NC: But they would have to end with a old lady being force fed a roll. ... Commercial Announcer: Cliffhanger from Sony Imagesoft, sure, it's just a game. ALF Plush & Storytelling ALF (TV static transition to: ALF commercial) Commercial Announcer: It's an alien. ALF: No, kidding! Where? NC (vo): '''If anyone is wondering who came up with a sitcom around a dick-nose mouldy Muppet... '''NC: ...it was this guy. (Flashback to the Popsicles commercial) Kid: The colors, Duke! The colors! NC (vo): '''The thing is; ALF was a weird creation, and it's made even weirder with these kids' reactions to him as a toy. … '''Announcer: Storytelling ALF. Extra cassettes sold seperately. Batteries not included. New from Coleco. ALF (voiced by NC): 'Ha ha! Kill me. Gainomax ''(TV static transition to: Gainomax commercial) '''NC (vo): '''This is an ad for a protein drink. '''NC: Can't you just tell? NC (vo): 'I guess this is a banana flavored one as it keeps insisting that we stop eating the monkey's food. '''Gainomax Monkey: '''Bananas are for monkeys, Stop eating the monkey's food. '''NC (vo): '''This is obviously referencing ''The Ring, but honestly, we've seen this imagery lots of times, it's really not that scary anymore. '''NC: Hell, I even... NC (vo): ...showed clips of it from earlier to prove a point. NC: So, yeah, give me what you got terrifying Ring girl. Gainomax Monkey: '''Stop eating the banana after working out, Stop eating the monkey's food. '''NC: That's always going to be there when I close my eyes now, isn't it? L-let me try-, okay, there it is, well done. (NC shrieks and tries to change the channel, but the Gainomax Monkey appears on every channel and NC puts down the remote) NC: Okay, I'll just let you leave when you're nice and ready. (Beat) Gainomax Monkey: I'll be back at the end... NC: Of the commercial? Gainomax Monkey: ...of you! Enjoy Gainomax. NC: Will it heal my scars? Gainomax Monkey: No. NC: (sighs) Okay. Britain Driving Safety PSAs (TV static transition to: various Britain Safety PSAs) NC (vo): 'If you disturb easily, warning: These are from Britain. Yeah, Britain's PSAs in the last few episodes I've done have gained quite a reputation of being... ''(Cut to a clip from Electricity Football PSA) '''Andy: No! NC (vo): '''...unpleasant to say the least. So let's see how this latest batch goes over. '''Girl: If you hit me at 40 miles an hour, there's around an 80% chance I'll die. NC: Charming. (The footage of the little girl is reversed and starts going up the road) NC: Oh, I do hope they show this during Thomas & Friends. Girl: (gasps) Girl (vo): Hit me at 30, and there's around an 80% chance I'll live. (The It's 30 for a reason slogan appears) NC: '''Or how about better the lesson of just DON'T HIT ANY KIDS?! '''NC (vo): Sheesh, a good message but, man, how about a positive way to get the idea across? Okay, a cute cartoon, this should be better. British Announcer: The Boy who didn't stop, look and listen. NC: Of course that's the title! British Announcer: He loved to play Football all day, but the boy didn't cross in a safe place, the car hit him at quite a pace, and now he cannot play Football. Cause his leg broke in more than one place. NC (as British Announcer): Bottom line; you cannot have fun with a broken leg, it's British law. NC (vo): We were gonna kill him to get the situation, NC: Ooh, and don't worry, there's a sequel. British Announcer: The Girl who didn't dress bright in the dark. A car drove right into her goods and covered her with bruisy cuts. ... NC: Ugh, I'm gonna see if their neighbor Ireland has any more chipper PSAs. Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA (TV static transition to: Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA. It begins with some kids in school ready to leave to go home for the day, while in the background, a female singer sings a sentimental version of "Sweet Child o' Mine") Female Singer: ♫ She's got a smile it seems to me... ♫ NC: (shrugs) Well, seems more pleasant. (In the ad, a man is seen running out to his car, while all the children from the school walk through some woods at the edge of the road, where some picnic grounds are set up. Meanwhile, the man, now in his car, drives along down this road) Female Singer: ♫ Now and then when I see her face / She... ♫ NC: Is this even a PSA? It looks more like a car commercial. (Earlier in the commercial, one boy is playing with a toy car, which looks rather like the one the man drives. A girl calls out to the boy and he puts the car away in his backpack) Female Singer: ♫ ...memories / Where everything... ♫ NC (vo): Yeah... NC: I think it is. It certainly feels more like one. NC (vo): A bunch of kids playing outside, a parent coming to pick them up in a shiny vehicle, a kid holding a toy of that vehicle... NC: All right, I can review this. This is a charming little car commercial. (The boy drops his toy car on a sloped surface and watches it run down the hill, while the full-size car drives at a very fast clip down the road toward a turn in the road, behind which lies a stone wall. All the while, the gentle version of "Sweet Child o' Mine" continues in the background) NC (vo): It's honestly very soothing, with a nice song and cinematography... (Suddenly, however, the mood shifts dramatically as the car suddenly starts rolling end over end, out of control, crashing through the stone wall, behind which lies the picnic grounds where the children are! NC widens his eyes in shock, while the man screams as his car rolls right at the children, who all scream helplessly!) NC: (leaning back in his seat in terror) Oh, my God! (As the car is within inches of the children, the boy with the toy car stares at it, bracing for the inevitable!) NC (vo): OH, MY GO–!! (We abruptly cut to some shots of kittens and cats (including the PetSter from earlier), accompanied by a message reading "KITTIES – So We Won't Get Demonetized" at the top of the screen. Pleasant piano music plays during this. Then we cut back to the commercial, showing the end of the crash, as the children all lay dead and the boy with the toy car drops his hand open and the toy car falls out on the ground) PSA Announcer: Since 2000... (Cut back to the now-empty classroom) PSA Announcer: ...speeding has killed a classroom of our children. (NC stares in open-mouth horror. He is so stunned by what he just saw that he can only muster a very tiny whimper. Then we cut back to the end of the commercial, as we hear the end of "Sweet Child o' Mine" and the phrase "Shame on You" is displayed) PSA Announcer: Shame on you. NC: SHAME ON ME?!?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, AND YOU GAVE ME... (The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again) NC (vo): ...PANCAKE KIDS!! NC: I thought that was a car commercial, but it was (holds up and shakes index finger) the waving of a BLOODY SKELETON FINGER!! '' '''NC (vo):' What if the person watching doesn’t drive? What if they’re unable to drive? What if they’re kids?! JESUS, DID KIDS SEE THIS?!? Apparently, this got so much backlash, it was allowed to only be shown after 9pm! NC: NO SHIT! What the hell would you tell your little boy watching that?! NC (vo): (freeze-frame on the little boy) "Look, Billy! That’s the last face you can make before you're 'carred' to death!" (footage of the kids before the crash is shown again) How the hell would anyone go back to watching their family shows after seeing this?! (The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again, before cutting to a post-commercial bumper for ''The Wonderful World of Disney)'' Announcer: We now return to The Wonderful World of Disney. (Back to the commercial before the crash) NC (vo): There's no coming back from that! It’s just too extreme! It’s too intense! (The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown one more time) NC: STOP MAKING ME WATCH YOU, YOU WELL-MEANING PSYCHOS!!! (The message "Shame on You" is shown one more time) PSA Announcer: Shame on you. NC: That's it! (throws up arms) That's it! (points to screen) Ireland is the new Britain! The order now is... (Cut to a shot of the map of Ireland) NC (vo): ...Ireland is (The British flag is superimposed over the map) the new Britain... (Cut to a shot of the map of Great Britain) NC (vo): ...and Britain is (The Canadian flag is superimposed over this map) the new Canada! NC: So now, the question is, who's gonna be the new Ireland?! (points at screen) Who's gonna be the new Ireland?! (looks to his side) Do you have any idea? (Suddenly, he yelps startedly as he once again sees Michael Salvatori, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily) Salvatori: Amazing that life was discovered on Mars the moment I landed there, and they were nice enough to fly me back to my home planet. (NC quickly notices two martians, one of them Perplex, standing nearby and speaking to NC) Perplex: (subtitled) He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen. Salvatori: Thanks, Perplex. Ten million strong... Martian: ''(subtitled)'' And groooowing. Salvatori: So anyway what I was about to say... NC: 'OKAY, STOP! STOP!! STOP!!! ''(NC kicks Michael Salvatori to the empty room) '''NC: Nobody cares about your damn vitamin commercial that you wrote or co-wrote or whatever! So you wrote a catchy jingle, big deal Salvatori: I never knew you felt like that. ... NC: ...and nobody will ever say the name Michael-, what's your last name? Salvatori: '''Salvatori. '''NC: Nobody will ever mention the name, Michael Salvatori!! (NC closes the door and then realizes what he did and ''In The Hall Of The Mountain King plays while a montage of pictures of Halo soundtrack albums are zooming in on Michael Salvatori and NC runs back to the door and the panda from the Panda Cheese commercials appears in front of him and True Love Ways by Buddy Holly plays)'' (NC screams at the panda and runs away from him, then he screams again as the monkey from the Gainomax commercial appears in front of him and the video abruptly ends) 'Channel Awesome Tagline - Male Singer: '♫ Switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines ♫ (The credits roll) See also *Commercial Special *Return of the Nostalgic Commercials *Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials *Dawn of the Commercials *Rise of the Commercials *Conquest of the Commercials *Battle of the Commercials *War of the Commercials *Escape from the Commercials Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Commercials Category:Nostalgia Critic